MY FAVOURITE TILL NOW

LET IT BE

“I am still waiting for the snow to fall... It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all...”

Beep. Beep. I received this text from a guy who loves me. Who is me? That's immaterial. Who is the guy? I know him over a year now. I feel he tells the truth when he says he loves me. But I can't love him back. Why can't I love him back? That's not important either. For this is not a story about us. This is his story and I belong nowhere in it. This is a story of a time when we had not met. This is a story of a time when fresh out of school, he had left his hometown, his own little space to embrace the wider world. Bangalore was his destination.

Life in Bangalore, at his engineering college and his hostel was a mixed bag. It was hard-hitting, adventurous, painful, desolate, but it was also a fresh and all new experience for him. Everybody knows how youngsters feel about their college lives. He was no exception.

He tells me bits and parts about his life away from Kolkata now and then, but one night he told me something which affected me so much that I still remember all of it...

Palash (yes that's his name) was into music big time and he could talk incessantly about it. Sometimes at night he would sing romantic numbers to me. I wouldn't lie; it did feel special but there isn't much space or time to elaborate on me and Palash. To carry on with what I started to tell, he began like this-

There was an episode in my life which I want you to know for I love you very much. This happened when I was in Karnataka. During the first year of college some of us had formed a band and one day I was auditioning students for the female vocalist. There I saw this girl Ishita. She was really attractive and she sang well. Though she wasn't well enough to become the lead, she sure had made a big impression on me. A little background check on her helped me know she had a boyfriend. However I refused to accept defeat.

I tried all sorts of tricks, new and old to woo her, to hold her attention, to make my presence felt. She behaved like I didn't exist! When I gave her a box of chocolates she gave them away to her gang of friends. She didn't bother to accept the rest of the gifts. Then one day miracle happened- she smiled. From being students of the same college we became acquainted and then slowly we became friends. I started liking her more each passing day.

One fine day five gorgeous motorbikes came inside the college grounds. A sturdy boy who was riding one of them, came towards me. His eyes were burning with rage. I was totally confused and taken aback when he stopped right infront of me. He demanded to know what my relation with Ishita was. I understood he must be Ishita's boyfriend. He pushed me hard. I clenched my jaws but kept my calm. Meanwhile Ishita arrived there. She didn't react or said anything but she too waited to hear my answer.

“I love Ishita”, I heard myself say in disbelief. Smash! My face was punched so hard i fell on the ground. Instantly I got up and punched Ishita's boyfriend so hard on the stomach that he let out a loud moan. Then my eyes fell on Ishita and I froze. She was looking hard into my eyes and her eyes had so much hatred, that can't even be explained in words. I felt very weak. Ishita's boyfriend and his friends punched me, kicked me and then left me unconscious in a pool of blood. When I gained senses I was lying on a hospital bed.

When I joined college after two weeks I had this singular idea in my mind to ask for forgiveness from Ishita and nothing else. I had thought long enough about it in my time at the hospital. I decided I wouldn't cross her path again and let her be. I found her in her class but she didn't look at me once. She ignored me completely in the canteen too. I thought sadly that I had lost her friendship forever.

That night Ishita called me up. Very calmly she told me that I was responsible for her break-up with her boyfriend and that I had ruined her life. Never once did she say she was sorry I got thrashed so badly. Lastly she said she wanted to complete her college peacefully and didn't want anything to do with me. I couldn't tell her anything that night. When she disconnected the call I was plunged in a kind of depression I had not experienced before in life. My first love had gone waste. I made up my mind about something...

Months passed. Things went on quite the same in my life with no trace of Ishita in it. I had no idea it was about to change in this way, like the dramatic twist in a movie. Some of the students were playing the game of 'truth or dare' in the college canteen. Ishita was amongst them. I sat in another table nearby with my lapotop. Though my eyes looked elsewhere my senses were alert and I was trying to follow her moves. The bottle turned, it stopped pointing towards Ishita and she chose 'truth'. She was asked the most obvious question- whom do you love? I expected she would say no one but she loudly and clearly said 'Palash'. I was baffled. After dropping this bomb on me and the rest, she left the canteen without any explanation.

That night she texted me- I want to meet you tomorrow before college at the mall.

Next morning Ishita was standing infront of me with an expression I had always hoped to find in her face. She said- It's true Palash, I love you. That day when you said you loved me infront of the whole college I really hated you. My boyfriend abused me because of you and then we broke up too, all because of you. But later I realised it wasn't actually your fault. Our relationship wasn't strong enough. I never loved him truly. For days after that your eyes haunted me. The way you didn't resist being beaten up and kept looking at me with those eyes I couldn't forget them. I have seen admiration in many guys' eyes but yours had a kind of madness, passion for me... She stopped talking. I hugged her infront of the population of the mall.

We started seeing each other. We shared some really great times together. We were perfect for each other. But there was something wrong in all this... I didn't love her anymore... The day when she cruelly broke my heart all my love for her turned to hatred. I madly wanted her to go through the same pain that she had inflicted on me. Then I decided it was time to tell her the truth. It was the day when I was boarding the train back to Kolkata, to leave Bangalore forever.

It was Christmas Eve. I sat by the window of the train and watched what was to be my last memory of Bangalore outside the windowpane. Then I looked at the watch. It was still half an hour before the train left. 24 December, 2007, the watch showed the date. Exactly a month and five days ago I had started dating Ishita. I closed my eyes and tried to see her face. She looked very happy. I dialled her number. She greeted me cheerfully. I began..

'I'm sorry.' She kept silent. 'I am going to Kolkata.'

'What? Why didn't you tell me before? When are you coming back?'

'I am not coming back.'

'Whhaaaaattt??'

'Yes Ishita I am going back to Kolkata forever. Bangalore is not for me.'

'Why didn't you tell me before?'

'What's the use? I'm sorry for doing this to you but I don't think I love you anymore.'

After this she fell dead silent. But I had to continue. I can't even tell you how i was feeling at that moment. Happy? Not at all. Sad? Perhaps. Troubled? Definitely. Nostalgic? Part of it. Lost? Maybe. I kept talking without minding these various emotions that were overwhelming me at the same time.

'I did love you Ishita but the day you blamed me for all the things I didn't do and you heartlessly broke my heart I made up my mind I would make you taste your own medicine.' Usually these harsh words are said with contempt but I just kept on saying them like a recitation. I had no idea what I was doing and why I was doing what I was doing!

I stopped talking and a long silence followed. I was keenly trying to hear a sound which would tell me what Ishita was feeling. She drew a deep breath and said- 'Remember Palash how you used to lean against the wall infront of my class and wait an entire hour for the class to get over so that you could talk to me? You kept on looking at me and I ignored you. Later I used to scold you for behaving like that. You know I actually loved it. Remember Palash how we would chase each other all over my house when my parents were out and you came over? Later we both would get tired and lie down in each other's arms. Remember Palash how we would sit together hand in hand and watch the sun set in the park? Remember Palash how we used to fight over small things and later both tried to make up with the other? Remember how we got drunk at my birthday party and had a hangover? I am sure you remember and you will always remember. You wouldn't ever forget me Palash, right?' Then she said in her babyish loving manner, 'Right na Palash?' I smiled back 'Right Ishita.' Tears were falling on my cheeks. I knew Ishita was crying too. 'Take care and don't let go of music. It's in your veins. Goodbye. I won't stop you. This isn't a Hindi movie. This is the damned real life. We were not meant to be together.' She disconnected the call. Perhaps she couldn't bear to hear 'bye' from me. What followed was a haunting silence. What have I done? I have broken the heart of a girl who loved me dearly. And what had she done to deserve this from me? True, life wasn't a Hindi movie. Else I wouldn't have to let go of the girl who loved me with all her heart. I didn't deserve her either. I prayed to God to give her strength to bear the pain of what I had done to her. The train signalled and was getting ready to leave the station. The cold wind slapped against my wet cheeks. The train rolled into motion. White flakes slowly drifted down from the sky. It was snowing after all. Christmas had come. But if you remember it doesn't snow in Bangalore. So it must have been just heavy rain but I was too tired to notice...

Palash had finished his story. My eyes were blurred with tears but I made sure he didn't find out. 'Why don't you try to get her back? Is she still in Bangalore? It's never much too late you know. I'm sure you can find her in the net. Isn't there any common friend?'

Palash stopped me. 'You know Koena, whatever happens, happens for the good. Let it be. Besides I don't love her anymore. I love you and only you.'

This time I snapped at him, 'Let it be Palash. Let it be.' Then I disconnected. He must have been very surprised at my behaviour. Perhaps he thought I was upset to hear he had loved someone before me but that was not the reason I was upset. What he didn't know was that I had made myself one with Ishita. I knew how it felt to love someone deeply and to lose that love...

~THE END~