*A slice of life*
The
best part about maintaining a diary in your ripe young years is the joy of
reading it many years down the line and rediscovering the memories of bygone days.
The faltering sentences and the half baked maturity all have their own beauty
and here I would be glad to offer you a peek into my diary and present to you a
slice of my life…
May 4, 2005
Hello diary.
I wonder will anyone ever chance upon my diary? And if that
person would be an Indian, he or she would perhaps understand the sentiments of
an Indian teenage girl who is not exactly bestowed with drop-dead gorgeous
looks and on top of it possesses dark skin, which is close to being a taboo in
our society.
To any prospective reader I would just say- no, no, do not frown
just now for even you know in your heart of hearts it makes a difference (a lot
in fact) in our families, in our schools, everywhere. In India with liberal
minded people strewn all over, fair skin = popularity! All the nonsense shown
in the TV commercials, remember?
Now people can get sick of always being the silent, docile, nerd
type! To add insult to the injury there are the occasional snide remarks from
relatives and classmates. But I too hope to be special and admired.
May 10, 2005
Diary, Preity was super excited at the canteen today. She had
been on her very first date this weekend & we girls listened with rapt
attention as she filled us on with the details.
“He held me by my waist and gave me a small peck on my lips,”
she giggled. Immediately all the romantic kissing scenes that I had watched in
the movies came to my mind with a rush. “Sigh! lucky lass!”
May 28, 2005
Today was a most exhausting yet fulfilling day, pal. We were present
at the TTIS Inter School Competition. Our school bagged the first runners up
award for the debate competition and I spearheaded our team, yeah! After it got
over, though I was relieved, I realized that I had not much to do. Having
little acquaintances outside my school, I thought I would end up dead bored. But
that was not to be, I discovered a while later.
The music round changed it all. I even forgot the gloom of
losing out on the first prize. At first the music was just refreshing and we
cheered on the teams. Before long I found my heart have a tiny flutter as I set
my eyes on the cutest and smartest dude I had seen in a long while. And the way
he sang! Oh! He was just perfect. Alas! But he can never be meant for a girl
like me. Why would he even waste a syllable talking to me?
I spent some time after that gathering information about The
Boy. Supposedly he’s in class 11, a year senior to us and his name is Ankit.
Why I did this I don’t quite know, though!
May 31, 2005
I always knew the internet to be a very useful medium for
acquiring all the valuable information under the sky. It is only lately that the
other wonders of the internet have started opening up to me- they being the
social networking sites, or more popularly the chat engines. Though there is a
loose forbiddance to non-adults against using them I couldn’t help but use it!
It so happened that one of my cousins who lived very nearby and
is a very dear niece of my mother was going away to live in another city for an
internship, afar from Kolkata. It was she who helped me form an e-mail id so
she could keep in touch with us by sending mails and occasionally chatting up
with ma through me as ma had no knowledge as well as experience about working
on a computer.
Little
did I know that it was just the beginning…
June 3, 2005
Today was like one of those idle summer afternoons and having
nothing better to do, I sat at my air-conditioned room and entered a chat room
in one of the popular internet sites. After spending quite sometime doing
nothing fruitful I chanced upon a person who went to the same school as ‘my
recent obsession’ Ankit.
I typed- Hi
The person replied- Hullo
So are you from St. Xavier’s school?
Yup. N u?
Lamarts for girls.
So u r a gal. Wats ur name?
Shikha. Wat is ur name?
Nice name Shikha. Quite heavy weight! I m called Sagar.
Our conversation started thus with formal introduction of
ourselves and then as more minutes passed I couldn’t resist the temptation of
asking him the all important question that was on my mind, the idiot that I am!
I wrote- I was wondering do you know anyone called Ankit in your
school?
(Pause)
Ankit what?
Oops! I don’t know. But he sings for the school band I believe
(and he is utterly handsome, you oaf!)
(Pause... pause)
[Guess he was racking his brains. At last he replied.]
Nope. I don’t. But why do you want to know?
Oh it’s nothing. He’s my cousin. (Shit! What am I saying? I
would die if it was to be true!)
Acha. I see. Funny, you don’t know your cousins last name,
though.
He’s actually my second cousin, not very well connected to us.
(Phew! Saved somehow.)
Very well I have to leave now. It was nice talkin to ya. Hope to
chat up soon.
Same here
I hope he didn’t grow suspicious diary, that boy Sagar.
June 7, 2005
Today I was online in the eve and so was Sagar.
This time he initiated the chat.
Hello there.
Hello how was your day?
It was nice and it’s good to find that you remember me.
(Flirting, was he?)
[Then we talked about a few odd things.]
Suddenly he said- Hey I met your cousin.
[My heart somersaulted and was about to escape my mouth. I
prayed frantically, “God please save me this time around and I promise I won’t
lie ever” (fingers crossed and all)]
I managed to write- Where?
In the auditorium, I just saw him practicing, not exactly met
him. He’s in a different section.
Only that?
Yup only that. Why?
Just like that…
June 25, 2005
I know Sagar for quite a while now and had many chat sessions
with him. I can safely say that he is my friend now, can’t I diary? For you
know all and has been there, seen it… Ha! I don’t quite know when the
transition was made from stranger to acquainted to friends but now I know it’s
just as true as anything else present in this room, just as true as I share
everything with you, well almost… Enough talkin to you now. Got to go for ma is
calling me for dinner. Bye
June 29, 2005
As usual I was chatting with Sagar today; it has got
incorporated in my daily routine now.
He asked- what do u love to do most?
The answer which instinctively came to my mind was I love to
talk to u most… and think about u too… But what I wrote was- Reading perhaps
Reading wat?
Story buks n mags
Wat kinda stry buks?
Romantic
(Pause) Acha wat is romance?
Dumbo u dunno wat romance is?!
No I don’t and I am not at all kidding!
I knew what it was alright, but how would I define it. I tried
my level best- It’s a pure and fresh feeling like the dew, the floating clouds
and the raindrops. (I know it was lame but this is what came to mind then!)
I get u. u mean romance is water!! Haha!
(Angrily) No u stupid. It means all things nice and sweet.
Romance is basically an abstract idea. Ok? Feelin romantic is kinda feelin
happy and excited rolled into one. It is often related to the feelin of love…
Satisfied?
N wat is luv?
Come on u know dis 1. It’s a feelin wich u hav 4 ppl who r imp
in ur life n u dnt want to lose dem. U care abt dem n cn do anything 4 d sake
of deir happiness. Isn’t there anybody u love?
Nope
Your parents?
No. my mother died when I was an infant. I have never known her.
Naturally I don’t love her. Strangely I don’t even miss her. I am quite self
sufficient. And abt my dad, I loathe him. But ya, I do need him for the time
being.
[Sagar’s words had stirred me badly. I wanted to know more about
him. I could feel that he was disturbed in life and I wanted to comfort him. To
assure him by saying, “I am with you always” but somehow the words never left
my mouth or rather my keyboard.
He changed the topic himself.]
And how exactly am I to know that I have developed romantic
feelings for someone?
That’s quite simple actually. If u r in luv with some1 u wud
alws miss d presence of d person n luk frwrd to talk to her. In ur solitary
hours think of all d thngs she has told u. Wen u r in a grp u wud pay little or
no attention to d oders n follow al her moves…
Hmmm
Now tel me wat do u love to do most?
I love 2 sleep n 2 eat n 2 play pranks n of course last but not
d least talk 2 u.
[My ears turned hot (no just lukewarm) and I thanked God that he
couldn’t see me.]
July 2, 2005
These days I am riding on a dreamboat and Sagar is my navigator.
My life has turned into a bed of roses and Sagar’s affection the touch of the
gentle petals.
I have introduced him to the world of English classics. He has
promised to teach me Salsa (once he learns it himself, which is supposedly very
soon). We discuss cricket matches and English pop albums. He has promised that
he would play drums for me one day for he has been seriously learning it for
quite a while now. To be honest he is far more talented than me but I can beat
him academically any given day for he has a serious allergy towards text books.
They have been gathering dust from Day 1 of the session.
July5, 2005
Today when I was talking to Sagar a thought kept buzzing in and
out of my head and I was disturbed.
He felt it too- U r upset abt sumthng Shi, aren’t u?
I thought, “Wow he really understands me”. “How the hell did you
know?” I was about to blurt out childishly.
But I said- It’s nothing yar.
U dnt wana tel me. Come on yar, wat r frnds 4 if nt cheerin u
up? Besides u look very sweet wen u smile.
[I smiled inspite of myself.]
How can you say that?
I am actualy vry sure abt it though I hav nevr seen u. I know
more abt u dan u can possibly gues.
Huh! You can’t fool me. Btw I think its tym to confes sumthng.
Ankit isn’t my relative or anythng. I jus fancied him 4 a while, few days ago.
I know. I had asked him one day about you. He said he had no
such cousin. The rest I figured out by myself, smart that I am!
Hmm. I am sorry I lied.
It’s ok. You don’t hav 2 b all senti.
July 8, 2005
Shikha does ur name relate 2 ur personality?- Sagar asked today
somewhere between today’s conversation.
Like wat? Fire n all? No I am very timid.
U mean u hv no spark? No fire within urself? With this he added
a chuckle and a wink.
O ya I m vry hot, totaly steaming, u loser! With this I added an
angry looking smiley. (This was cute too!)
I was jus jokin kiddo.
Sagar means profound n deep n turbulent. Aha, r u all those?
Yups. All of it n much more.
Good for u n ur poor galfrnd, wen u hav 1, wich is d least
likely 2 happen 2 u!
I don’t hav tym 4 such things as girlfriends.
O realy?
Yes. N I m not intrstd in gals. Dey r silly n a waste of tym.
Is it? Then I must say bye n not cause u 2 waste any more of ur
precious tym.
No listen. I didn’t mean u wen I said gal. U r different.
[I felt a tiny jolt in my stomach.]
Wat do u mean?- I asked hesitantly.
I mean u r fun, more of the buddy type n less of d girly type.
Though sumtimes even u swing to the full- girl mode. To tel u d truth, u r
lovable even in those times.
[I sat in front of my monitor gaping at the lines.]
My all time buddy diary, I am so happy to have a real friend
now. Sagar is my best friend. God please don’t take him away from me ever.
I
still remember how surprised I was when two fat drops of water fell on the
page. “I shall never meet Sagar”, I decided then, lest he disliked me.
July 10, 2005
No smses, not even a missed call since morning. I wonder what
has gone into Sagar! Should I call him? No I wouldn’t. If he can go on without
me so can I. Sigh!
I dialled
his number.
Hello. Are you alright?
No I am not and I don’t wish to speak to anyone right now.
Fine.
Slam.
I thought,
“That filthy person! What does he think of himself?”
Beep.
Sorry Shi I am just a bit disturbed. Please don’t misunderstand.
I don’t have anyone except you.
I
thought, ”Sagar is ever exaggerating! He has so many friends and admirers (he
himself says so). But maybe it’s serious.”
Now
when I think why he was upset I feel like giving him a punch. It’s outrageous
as well as hilarious that he was all serious about India losing out on a petty
cricket match.
July 12, 2005
Today when we were chatting Sagar expressed his wish of meeting
up with me.
I was wondering if we could meet up sometime in the coming
weekend- he said.
Sure- I replied
It is
apparent that I had forgotten about my resolve, never to meet him.
July 16, 2005
Hope you know I have begun working on my new look. I have got my
hair especially cut in a style which is in vogue these days. I have zeroed in
on my prettiest floral summer dress and I hope he likes it too, for I am in
love with my dress.
On the
D-day I lined my eyes with black coloured kohl, applied mascara to make my
lashes look thick. Next I applied a thin coating of a light strawberry
flavoured glittery lipgloss. Umm! They were delicious I remember. Then I
promptly took off my thick rimmed glasses and put them inside my dainty
handbag, determined never to wear them once during my rendezvous with Sagar.
Finally
I stringed together my new shining look and was all set to meet Sagar at last.
July 17, 2005
I couldn’t believe my eyes! I thought my eyeballs would pop out
of their sockets and my jaws would drop to my feet! But then again this was my
damned real life, not any silly cartoon show. I tried to pinch myself up from an
imaginary sleep. These stuffs happen in tales and in cinema. Of all things
never was it supposed to occur in my life! Sagar was Ankit. Or rather Ankit was
Sagar, all this while. Treachery! Well whatever was his name the goddamned
person was walking up to me.
Before I could flee the scene the person came near me and asked
“Excuse me. Are you Shikha?”
Maintaining my calm composure, I smiled a little bit. “Yes.”
He held out hand. (What delightful arms, tanned and in perfect
shape!)
I shook his hand. “Even my hand is beautiful” I noticed for the
first time in my life but they were cold. I felt my stiffness melt as he
clasped my hands in his. A certain warmth spread over my body.
“Look I am extremely sorry I never told you my real name. Please
forgive me. Won’t you?” he pleaded. His eyes bore the innocence of those of a
child.
Silence
“That’s alright.” I tried to speak authoritatively but failed
miserably.
All the while we were together, which seemed to me very less, we
sat at a coffee shop talking to each other. After the initial pangs of
awkwardness, the ice broke without much effort from our part and the time flew.
Soon it was time for me to head home and he offered to walk me to my place that
was quite nearby. We were walking side by side on a scarcely crowded road!
Occasionally his hands brushed against mine and tiny goosebumps erupted on my
skin.
Alas! We reached my house sooner than we both wanted. Bidding a
very reluctant goodbye he went on his way. I couldn’t have called him in! Sadly
I watched his retreating form. However standing outdoors became worthwhile when
he turned back to wave at me from a long distance away.
You know what diary, today I found Ankit glancing at me
appreciatively while I was looking at something else more than twice and it was
such a different feeling that I was confused. We were buddies above all then
why this change in both our attitude? Our body language, our interaction with each
other and other small things bore this sign of a weird sensation! Was it a
romantic feeling or am I just plain disillusioned?
I think he likes me… I hope he does…
But what if he does not? Will I be able to face rejection?
For
the next few days I didn’t talk to Ankit properly. Even Ankit was tied up in
some work. I thought by slowly cutting all ties I could save myself from a
heartbreak. I was in a dilemma. But it was hard. Ankit had become a big part of
my life. Without him I felt empty and lost but I was sure it would pass.
July 21, 2005
Last night I had a very special moment of my life, not that it
happens rarely in my life but I won’t forget today ever! Ma came to my room
when I was lying down on my bed, my head buried in my pillow when she picked me
up on my bed and hugged me ever so lovingly and patted my head and cheeks and
kissed them. She then laid me down on the bed, put a pillow underneath my head
and drew covers over half of my body, before turning off the light and leaving.
She showed me how you could say- I am with you, even without mentioning it.
This (display of affection by my mother) happens ever so often in my life that
I had never bothered to spare much thought to it before. But it was different
yesterday. I felt special and wanted. I realized that my parents loved me a lot
and I thanked god for it. For the first time I felt like appreciating God for
the gift of life he had wrapped for me. Now I was prepared to face the worst
and even the thought of losing Ankit forever didn’t reduce me to tears.
July 23, 2005
It all started with a call from Ankit around noon time.
Hi. Can we meet up today? I am free in the afternoon.
No sorry it won’t be possible for me. I am alone at home and
would have to look after the household. My folks wouldn’t return before evening,
so no chance. Okay?
An hour later I was in for a nasty scare. I was alone in my room
and the verandah door was open. Then someone grabbed my waist from behind.
“Ankit! I will kill you”
Recovering I said, “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I came to meet you for I miss you… terribly… What’s going on?
Why are you ignoring me?” he came straight to the point.
I stood in front of him in my plain white tunic, perspiring and
my ugly spectacles dangling over my fat nose.
“I think you should leave”
For a moment his face became clouded.
“I meant to surprise you”
I felt sorry for him but kept my stand.
“You know there are a lot of things that we need to discuss.”
Silence.
“First, you shouldn’t have lied to me about your identity. It
feels too… too… I don’t know what! Moreover I am not what you think. I am not
hot or anything. I am very simple and plain and I am not beautiful as well.” I
breathed at last.
He just stood there watching me for a while.
“I love the name Sagar and I use it sometimes. Sorry. Later didn’t
have the courage to tell you the truth. I might have lost you. And for me you
are beautiful always. I love everything about you, your deep, poignant eyes and
your smile; it really is gorgeous. But you know what I love the most? It is
this…”
And he placed three fingers roughly an inch below my collarbone.
Misunderstanding him, I stared at him with a puzzled look but
thankfully he missed my expression as he continued saying, “It is your heart.”
He went on saying, “That day what I told you isn’t true, there
is someone whom I love. It’s you. Look it’s a fact I didn’t really know what
love was, before I had met you, but now I know and I am 100% sure that what I
feel for you is nothing but love.”
I must have stood there gaping for he started smirking at my
sight. Then I did something which completely bewildered him. I started crying,
not the noisy, childish one but the slow and adult type. For the next few
seconds I only remember Ankit wiping away my tears with his right thumb. He
then rubbed his wet finger over my lips and I trembled ever so slightly. After
a while he suddenly placed his lips over mine, before me realizing what was
happening to me, first lightly and then nicely and fully, taking his own sweet
time. You see there is no point in rushing over some things in life, like an
examination paper, savouring a delicious food and of course your first kiss!
But this was absolutely unreal! The first ever kiss of my life with my dream
boy in my house when my parents are away! Stuffs like these are tailor-made (or
rather designer made!). I mean I never dreamt that today could be grander and
better than even the most pleasant dreams!
At last I too have become special. Nopes actually I am the most
special…
Later
Ankit admitted that he was keen on chatting with me more once I asked him about
himself! Many years later, now I wonder what would have happened if I had never
had a crush on Ankit, never pinged Sagar for a chat or played my cards too
close to my chest and never interacted with him properly. I guess I would have
done all that if I was more mature and grown up. Things would be different if
only I was a little older. I would have missed out on a most fabulous first
romantic escapade…
As
they say “whatever happens, happens for the good!” I guess now I believe it’s
more than often true…
