*A slice of life*
The best part about maintaining a diary in your ripe young years is the joy of reading it many years down the line and rediscovering the memories of all those days when life was moulding us into the present form that we now stand. The faltering lines and the half baked maturity all have their own beauty and here I would be glad to offer you a peek into my diary and present to you a slice of my life…
May 4, 2005
Hello diary. You know if anyone has ever tried to bare its deepest fears, pains and grievances and pour it out into a page, it will realize that it is never similar to feeling them in our own tiny buzzing hearts than giving them form over a diary. One can never really open up and it can be loosely referred to as the ‘lost in translation’ syndrome. Though all the scribbling helps and so do gallons of tear!
I wonder if anyone would chance upon my diary. And if that person would be an Indian, it would perhaps understand the sentiments of a teenaged girl who is not exactly bestowed with the most graceful looks and on top of it possesses dark skin, which is close to being a taboo in our society. According to me, the word dusky is hypocritical.
To any prospective reader I would just say- no, no, do not frown just now! For even you know in your heart of hearts it makes a difference (a lot in fact) in our families, in our schools, everywhere. In India with liberal minded people strewn all over, fair skin = popularity! All the nonsense shown in the TV commercials, remember?
Now people can get sick of always being the silent, docile, nerd type! To add insult to the injury there are the occasional snide remarks from relatives and classmates. But I too have my dreams and aspirations. After all I am just another wannabe teenager! God, I shall never forgive You for making me so unspecial… Bye… sobs… sniff!!
May 10, 2005
Diary, Preity was super excited at the canteen today. She had been on her very first date this weekend & we girls listened with rapt attention as she filled us on with the details. She had just began narrating the most interesting part when one of the girls present there, raised an eyebrow at me, which clearly indicated that she was curious about me missing out on the important lecture. Thus I had to hurry back to class, so as not to surprise them anymore!
But even as I left Preity’s last words ringed in my ears- “He held me by my waist and gave me a small peck on my lips,” she giggled. Immediately all the romantic kissing scenes that I had watched in the movies came to my mind with a rush and I let out a sigh “lucky lass”!
May 28, 2005
Today was a most exhausting yet fulfilling day, pal. We were present at the TTIS Inter School Competition beginning at 10 am. Our school bagged the first runners up award for the debate competition and I spearheaded our team, yeah! After it got over, though I was relieved, I realized that I had not much to do. Having little accomplices outside my school, I thought I would end up dead bored. But that was not to be, I discovered a while later.
The music round changed it all. It changed my day and my evening. I even forgot the gloom of losing out on the first prize. At first the music was just refreshing and we cheered on the teams. Before long I found my heart have a tiny flutter as I set my eyes on the cutest and smartest dude I had met in a long while. And the way he sang! Oh! He was just perfect. Alas! But he can never be meant for a wretched crow like me. Why would he even waste a syllable talking to me?
I spent some time after that gathering information about The Boy. Supposedly he’s in class 9, a year senior to us and his name is Ankit. Why I did this I don’t quite know, though! I even prayed to God that he be a Bengali. How I depend on God, despite his unfairness to me, for making me so unlike other teenage girls!
May 31, 2005
I always knew the internet to be a very useful medium for acquiring all the valuable information under the sky. It is only lately that the other wonders of the internet have started opening up to me- they being the social networking sites, or more popularly the chat engines. Though there is a loose forbiddance to non adults against using them. But I couldn’t help using it. It so happened that one of my cousins who lived very nearby and is a very dear niece of my mother was going away to live in another city for an internship, afar from Kolkata. It was she who helped me form an e-mail id so she could keep in touch with us by sending mails and occasionally chatting up with me as ma had zero knowledge as well as experience about working on a computer.
Little did I know that it was just the beginning…
June 3, 2005
Today was like one of those idle summer afternoons and having nothing better to do, I sat at my air-conditioned room and entered a chat room in one of the popular internet sites. After spending quite sometime doing nothing fruitful I chanced upon a person who went to the same school as ‘my recent obsession’ Ankit.
I typed- Hi
The person replied- Hullo
So are you from St. Xavier’s school?
Yup. N u?
Lamarts for girls.
So u r a gal. Wats ur name?
Shikha. Wat is ur name?
Nice name Shikha. Quite heavy weight! I m called Sagar.
Our conversation started thus with formal introduction of ourselves and then as more minutes passed I couldn’t resist the temptation of asking him the all important question that was on my mind, the idiot that I am!
I wrote- I was wondering do you know anyone called Ankit in your school?
(Pause)
Ankit what?
Oops! I don’t know. But he sings for the school band I believe (and he is utterly handsome, you oaf!)
(Pause... pause)
Guess he was racking his brains.
At last- Nope. I don’t. But why do you want to know?
Oh it’s nothing. He’s my cousin. (Shit! What am I saying? I would die if it was to be true!)
Acha. I see. Funny, you don’t know your cousins last name, though.
He’s actually my second cousin, not very well connected to us. (Phew! Saved somehow.)
Very well I have to leave now. It was nice talkin to ya. Hope to chat up soon.
Same here
You know diary it was my very first chat with a stranger. Chats can be fun mate, no? Such a narrow escape. I hope he didn’t grow suspicious, that Sagar boy. But he would care less, I am sure.
June 7, 2005
Today I was online in the eve and so was Sagar.
This time he initiated the chat.
Hello there.
Hello how was your day? (Such a warm greeting, didn’t I mention before that I was polite? Here you get the evidence as well…)
It was nice and it’s good to find that you remember me. (Flirting, is he? Poor chap!)
Then we talked about a few odd things.
Suddenly he said- Hey I met your cousin.
My heart somersaulted and was about to escape my mouth. I prayed frantically, “God please save me this time around and I promise I won’t lie ever” (fingers crossed and all)
I managed to write- Where?
In the auditorium, I just saw him practicing, not exactly met him. He’s in a different section.
Only that?
Yup only that. Why? (He used a smiley with a surprised face after that. I couldn’t help but notice how cute the smiley looked)
Just like that…
June 25, 2005
I know Sagar for quite a while now and had many chat sessions with him. I can safely say that he is my friend now, can’t I diary? For you know all and has been there, seen it… Ha! I don’t quite know when the transition was made from stranger to acquainted to friends but now I know its just as true as anything else present in this room, just as true as I share everything with you, well almost… Enough talkin to you now. Got to go for ma is calling me for dinner. Bye
June 29, 2005
As usual I was chatting with Sagar today; it has got incorporated in my daily routine now.
He asked- what do u love to do most?
The answer which instinctively came to my mind was I love to talk to u most… and think about u too… But what I wrote was- Reading perhaps
Reading wat?
Story buks n mags
Wat kinda stry buks?
Romantic
(Pause) Acha wat is romance?
Dumbo u dunno wat romance is?!
No I don’t and I am not at all kidding!
I knew what it was alright, but how would I define it. I tried my level best- It’s a pure and fresh feeling like the dew, the floating clouds and the raindrops.
I get u. u mean romance is water!! Haha!
(Angrily) No u stupid. It means all things nice and sweet. Romance is basically an abstract idea. Ok? Feelin romantic is kinda feelin happy and excited rolled into one. It’s more than often related to the feelin of love… Satisfied?
N wat is luv?
Come on u know dis 1. It’s a feelin wich u hav 4 ppl who r imp in ur life n u dnt want to lose dem. U care abt dem n cn do anything 4 d sake of deir happiness. Isn’t there anybody u love?
Nope
Your parents?
No. my mother died when I was an infant. I have never known her. Naturally I don’t love her. Strangely I don’t even miss her. I am quite self sufficient. And abt my dad, I loathe him. But ya, I do need him for the time being.
Sagar’s words had stirred me badly. I wanted to know more about him. I could feel that he was disturbed in life and I wanted to comfort him. To assure him by saying, “I am with you always” but somehow the words never left my mouth or rather my keyboard.
He changed the topic himself.
And how exactly am I to know that I have developed romantic feelings for someone?
That’s quite simple actually. If u r in luv ur mood is likely to b elevated at all times. U wud alws miss d presence of d person in question n luk frwrd to talk to her. In ur solitary hours think of all d thngs she has had told u. Wen u r in a grp u wud pay little or no attention to d oders n follow al her moves…
Hmmm
Now tel me wat do u love to do most?
I love 2 sleep n 2 eat n 2 play pranks n of course last but not d least talk 2 u.
My ears turned hot (no just lukewarm) and I thanked God that he couldn’t see me. God you are great. Muah.
July 2, 2005
These days I am riding on a dreamboat and Sagar is my navigator. My life has turned into a bed of roses and Sagar’s affection the touch of the gentle petals. The thorns of my life are really vanishing! I am ecstatic!
I have introduced him to the world of English and Bengali classics. He has promised to teach me Salsa (once he learns it himself, wich is supposedly very soon). He has shared some of his cooking recipes with me too. They lie in my word file ever since, as I have been obviously very busy with other errands and didn’t have time to actually cook up a storm, as Sagar claims I shall be able to, as soon as I mug his dishes up! We discuss cricket matches and English pop albums. He has promised that he would play drums for me one day for he has been seriously learning bass for quite a while now. To be honest he is far more talented than me but I can beat him academically any given day for he has a serious allergy towards text books. They have been gathering dust from Day 1 of the session.
July5, 2005
Today when I was talkin to Sagar a thought kept buzzing in and out of my head and I was disturbed.
He felt it too- U r upset abt sumthng Shi, aren’t u?
I thought, “Wow he really understands me”. “How the hell did you know?” I was about to blurt out childishly. (Well I am a child.)
But I said- It’s nothing yar.
U dnt wana tel me. Come on yar, wat r frnds 4 if nt cheerin u up? Besides u look very sweet wen u smile.
I smiled inspite of myself.
How can you say that?
I am actualy vry sure abt it though I hav nevr seen u. I know more abt u dan u can possibly gues.
Huh! You can’t fool me. Btw I think its tym to confes sumthng. Ankit isn’t my relative or anythng. I jus fancied him 4 a while, few days ago.
I know. I had asked him one day about you. He said he had no such cousin. The rest I figured out by myself, smart that I am.
Hmm. I am sorry I lied.
It’s ok. You don’t hav 2 b all senti.
Then I shared the whole Ankit episode with him. Man was that easy, or was it only because it was Sagar?
July 8, 2005
Shikha does ur name relate 2 ur personality?- Sagar asked today somewhere between today’s conversation.
Like wat? Fire n all? No I am very timid.
U mean u hv no spark? No fire within urself? With this he added a chuckle and a wink.
O ya I m vry hot, totaly steaming, u loser! With this I added an angry looking smiley. (This was cute too!)
I was jus jokin kiddo.
Sagar means profound n deep n turbulent. Aha, r u all those?
Yups. All of it n much more.
Good for u n ur poor galfrnd, wen u hav 1, wich is d least likely 2 happen 2 u!
I don’t hav tym 4 such things as girlfriends.
O realy?
Yes. N I m not intrstd in gals. Dey r silly n a waste of tym.
Is it? Then I must say bye n not cause u 2 waste any more of ur precious tym.
No listen. I didn’t mean u wen I said gal. U r different.
I felt a tiny jolt in my stomach.
Wat do u mean?- I asked hesitantly.
I mean u r fun, more of the buddy type n less of d girly type. Though sumtimes even u swing to the full- girl mode. To tel u d truth, u r lovable even in those times.
I sat in front of my monitor gaping at the lines.
My all time buddy diary, I am so happy to have a real friend now. Sagar is my best friend. God please don’t take him away from me ever.
I still remember how surprised I was when two fat drops of water fell on the page. “I shall never meet Sagar”, I decided then.
July 10, 2005
No smses, not even a missed call since morning. I wonder what has gone into Sagar! Should I call him? No I wouldn’t. If he can go on without me so can I. Sigh!
I dialled his number.
Hello. Are you alright?
No I am not and I don’t wish to speak to anyone right now.
Fine.
Slam.
I thought, “That filthy person! What does he think of himself?”
Beep.
Sorry Shi I am just a bit disturbed. Please don’t misunderstand. I don’t have anyone except you.
I thought, ”Sagar is ever exaggerating! He has so many friends and admirers (he himself says so). But maybe it’s serious.
Now when I think why he was upset I feel like giving him a punch. It’s outrageous as well as hilarious that he was all serious about India losing out on a petty cricket match. “Fuck him. Fuck all boys who don’t care about their haywire lives but about stupid matches! I mean I love cricket too, but such meaningless obsession is harmful.” I had thought
July 12, 2005
Today when we were chatting Sagar expressed his wish of meeting up with me.
I was wondering if we could meet up sometime in the coming weekend- he said.
I almost did a gorilla style yodeling and wanted to scream my lungs out… Yippee!!
It is apparent that I had forgotten about my resolve, never to meet him. But of course I remembered something soon which made me sit upright. “What if he is expecting me to be his dazzling fair maiden? Gosh! And I claimed to be hot too. What a fool I had been to do so!”
Then I started crying and I cried till I could cry no more. Then I lay awake on my bed for a while all red nosed and all. After tossing and turning for ages I decided it was time for me to take matters into my own little hands and do something about it rather than wail like the ‘abla nari’ Indian women are often projected as!
July 16, 2005
Hope you know I have begun working on my new look. I have got my hair especially cut in a style which is in vogue these days, had manicure, pedicure as well as facial sessions at the parlour. My body is more or less hair free so I can skip waxing and thanks to God for it! I have decided that I shall wear my prettiest floral summer dress and I hope he likes it too, for I am in love with my dress.
On the D-day I lined my eyes with black coloured kohl, applied mascara to make my lashes look thick. I wished I could batter my eyelids like those Bollywood heroines as they flirted with the heroes. Next I applied a thin coating of a light strawberry flavoured glittery lipgloss. Umm! They were delicious I remember. Then I promptly took off my thick rimmed glasses and put them inside my dainty handbag, determined never to wear them once during my rendezvous with Sagar.
Finally I stringed together my new shining look and was all set to meet Sagar at last. Frankly the image of me in the mirror that met my eyes was not too bad and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I could look presentable, in fact pretty to some extent!
July 17, 2005
I couldn’t believe my eyes! I thought my eyeballs would pop out of their sockets and my jaws would drop to my feet! But then again this was my damned real life, not any silly cartoon show. I tried to pinch myself up from an imaginary sleep. These stuffs happen in tales and in cinema. Of all things never was it supposed to occur in my life! Sagar was Ankit. Or rather Ankit was Sagar, all this while. Treachery! Blasphemy! Well whatever was his name the goddamned person was walking up to me.
I had turned sideways and was about to start on a full sprint when a boy’s voice called from a little distance away, “Excuse me. Are you Shikha?”
Maintaining my calm composure, I turned, smiled a little bit. “Yes.”
He held out his well toned hand. (What delightful arms, tanned and in perfect shape!)
I shook his hand. “Even my hand is beautiful” I noticed for the first time in my life but they were cold. I felt my stiffness melt as he clasped my hands in his. Warmth spread over my body and smugness filled my senses.
“Look I am extremely sorry I never told you my real name. Please forgive me. Won’t you?” he pleaded. His eyes bore the innocence of those of a child.
Silence
“That’s alright.” I tried to speak authoritatively but failed miserably.
All the while we were together, which seemed to me very less, we sat at a coffee shop talking to each other. After the initial pangs of awkwardness, the ice broke without much effort from our part and the time flew. Soon it was time for me to head home and he offered to walk me to my place that was quite nearby. Imagine how it was! I and he walking side by side on a scarcely crowded road! Occasionally his hands brushed against mine and tiny goosebumps erupted on my skin.
Alas! We reached my house sooner than we both wanted. Bidding a very reluctant goodbye he went on his way. I couldn’t have called him in! Sadly I watched his retreating form. However standing outdoors became worthwhile when he turned back to wave at me from a long distance away.
You know what diary, today I found Ankit glancing at me appreciatively while I was looking at something else more than twice and it was such a different feeling that I was confused. We were buddies above all then why this change in both our attitude? Our body language, our interaction with each other and other small things bore this sign of an out of the place sensation! Was it a romantic feeling or am I just plain disillusioned?
I think he likes me… I hope he does…
That night when I came back home all I did was giggle unknowingly, my insides smiled and so did my eyes. I sat reliving the events of that evening over and over again.
Then something dawned on me. “I am not like this in real life. What Ankit has seen today is not the real me.” I thought.
Perhaps it was only a Bollywood hangover but I was determined of not winning anybody’s heart through lies and fraud!
For the next two days I didn’t talk to Ankit properly and for long. I could not get over this lost feeling that clung all about me. I was constantly at strife with myself. During this time I also realized that Ankit had become a part of my life in a big way. He meant my happiness like nothing else. I am sure most of you can understand what I was going through!
Someone has correctly said that mothers know everything. So did my ma. She knew something was not right with me but she let me handle it myself. But she helped in one way, perhaps unknowingly, maybe knowingly. Nevertheless it was just what I needed.
July 21, 2005
Last night I had a very special moment of my life, not that it happens rarely in my life but I won’t forget today ever! Ma came to my room when I was lying down on my bed, my head buried in my pillow when she picked me up on my bed and hugged me ever so lovingly and patted my head and cheeks and kissed them. She then laid me down on the bed, put a pillow underneath my head and drew covers over half of my body, before turning off the light and leaving. She showed me how you could say- I am with you, even without mentioning it. This (display of affection by my mother) happens ever so often in my life that I had never bothered to spare much thought to it before. But it was different yesterday. I felt special and wanted. I realized that my parents loved me a lot and I thanked god for it. For the first time I felt like appreciating God for the gift of life he had wrapped for me. Now I was prepared to face the worst and even the thought of losing Ankit forever didn’t reduce me to tears.
July 23, 2005
It all started with a call from Ankit around noon time.
Hi. Can we meet up today? I am free in the afternoon.
No sorry it won’t be possible for me. I am alone at home and would have to look after the household. My folks wouldn’t return before evening, so no chance. Okay?
Then fast forwarding to an hour later. I was in for a nasty scare. I heard a soft scratching at the backyard verandah and I was alone in my room. Then a yelp! Oh God let it not really be a dog or a monkey! A cat would still be fine!
Then I let out a tiny shriek for someone had grabbed me from behind and picked me up from the floor.
“Ankit! I will kill you” I forgot I had to behave cold and distant with him.
Remembering I said, “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I came to meet you for I miss you… terribly… What’s going on? Why are you ignoring me?” he came straight to the point.
I stood in front of him in my plain white tunic, perspiring and my ugly spectacles dangling over my fat nose.
“I think you should leave”
For a moment his face became clouded.
“I meant to surprise you”
I felt sorry for him but kept my stand.
“You know there are a lot of things that we need to discuss.”
Silence.
“First, you shouldn’t have lied to me about your identity. It feels too… too… I don’t know what! Moreover I am not what you think. I am not hot or anything. I am very simple and plain and I am not beautiful as well.” I breathed at last.
He just stood there watching me for a while.
“I didn’t have the courage to tell you the truth. I might have lost you. And for me you are beautiful always. I love everything about you, your deep, poignant eyes and your smile; it really is gorgeous. But you know what I love the most? It is this…”
And he placed three fingers roughly at the middle of my bosom.
Misunderstanding him, I stared at him with a puzzled look but thankfully he missed my expression as he continued saying, “It is your heart.”
He went on saying, “That day what I told you isn’t true, there is someone whom I love. Its you. Look it’s a fact I didn’t really know what love was, before I had met you, but now I know and I am 100% sure that what I feel for you is nothing but love.”
I must have stood there with an open mouth for he started smirking at my sight. Then I did something which completely bewildered him. I started crying, not the noisy, childish one but the slow and adult type. For the next few seconds I only remember Ankit wiping away my tears with his right thumb. He then rubbed his wet finger over my lips and I trembled ever so slightly. After a while he suddenly placed his lips over mine, before me realizing what was happening to me, first lightly and then nicely and properly, taking his own sweet time. You see there is no point in rushing over some things in life, like an examination paper, savouring a delicious food and of course your first kiss! But this was absolutely unreal! The first ever kiss of my life with my dream boy in my house when my parents are away! Stuffs like these are tailor-made (or rather designer made!). I mean I never dreamt that today could be grander and better than even the most pleasant dreams! At last I too have become lucky. Nopes actually I am the luckiest…
Later Ankit admitted that he was keen on chatting with me more once I asked him about himself! Many years later, now I wonder what would have happened if I had never had a crush on Ankit, never pinged Sagar for a chat or played my cards too close to my chest and never interacted with him properly. I guess I would have done all that if I was more mature and grown up. Things would be different if only I was a little older. I would have missed out on a most fabulous first romantic escapade…
As they say “whatever happens, happens for the good!” I guess now I believe it’s more than often true…
~End~
